I am terrified of death. Quite honestly, I think it’s bullshit. The whole concept seems really bizarre to me. I don’t like it one bit. As you may have learned, if you have read my latest article “Two Years in an Instant” on Ghost Parachute, that most people with my disease don’t live past thirty years old. I just “celebrated” my twenty-seventh birthday last month. It makes me feel like my time is short when I already feel that time is short in general. It’s a frustrating aspect of life. A lot of people have tried telling me that there’s nothing to be afraid of because there’s nothing you can do about it. Isn’t that the worst? The uncontrollable and the unknown are classically feared. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
What do I do moving forward? Do I bitch and complain about how short life is and hope somehow it will make me feel better? Do I scour the internet and the book stores and learn all I can about life, death and the afterlife and try to find some definitive answers? Maybe I simply just ignore it, realizing that since it can’t be changed that I shouldn’t change my life because of the inevitable outcome. I don’t know what the right answer is and I know there are a lot more options out there. I just need to reach a point where I can make it through a day where I’m happy and not in fear.
Is there anything you do to help you cope? Have you found religion? Do you follow science? Do you believe in the stories of near death experiences? I would love to hear your beliefs and opinions.
I’m very pleased to announce that I was able to contribute to Ghost Parachute with my new article “Two Years In An Instant.” It’s all about being diagnosed with a life threatening disease and learning how to cope using writing as an outlet.
I hope you’ll all check it out right here and subscribe/follow Ghost Parachute: http://ghostparachute.com/two-years-instant/
I’ve got a pretty exciting announcement which is that I’ve got a brand new site called Truly Abrasive! It’s not replacing this site, it’s a completely different entity. It’s all about games, anime, movies and television and my brutally honest opinions on them all. It only launched earlier this week so it’s got very few articles, but I’m planning on having a very steady flow of content. I’m currently working on some ideas for new feature series for the site as well.
I’ll be back in the next couple days to announce something else, but until then I hope everyone takes care of themselves!
I grew up reading Archie (Jughead being my favorite character), Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes. As I got older I moved onto stuff like Frumpy The Clown, The Far Side and webcomics like Questionable Content, Least I Could Do and Fanboys. Now that I’m an adult I find myself reading more traditional comics from companies like Marvel, DC, Image, Dark Horse (who publishes my favorite comic of all time, MIND MGMT by Matt Kindt) and Vertigo. Recently however, I have started diving into the world of manga. I’m trying to do my best to broaden my horizons when it comes to this format of art.
My reason for sharing a brief overview of my past and present life with comics is that it reminds me of how constant comics have been in my life. Creating a comic has always been a desire of mine and the desire hasn’t dwindled. It just always seemed absurd or out of reach. I want to be less afraid of failure and this is my first step toward that goal.
I’m going to write and release some form of comic online. I hope you’ll all check it out when it’s launched. Wish me luck!
I like this blog. It’s simple. Everything about it from the settings to the appearance is simple. I find it easier to write when I don’t have to worry about complicated things like constantly editing and adjusting my website. I’m quite happy to be back and writing on this blog again.
A year and a half has passed us by since I last posted on here and I’m conflicted between saying a lot has happened in that time and nothing has happened in that time because I feel there hasn’t been much significant change. Of course things happened, but feeling change and experiencing change are two different things, aren’t they? I’ve moved a couple times, had a lot of doctors appointments, adopted two more kittens, rehomed said kittens, gone through depressive and suicidal episodes, made new friends, lost new friends and traveled a little amount for work. Other than that, I don’t think a lot has truly changed. I’m still fairly stuck. The future seems unimaginable. I can’t fathom what it must be like to have a different way of life. Either way, I’m hoping to change that somehow and that’s one of the primary reasons I’ve started writing on here again. I need to do something. It really doesn’t matter what as long as it’s something tangible. Something where I can see myself making progress. So that’s one reason why I’m back at this.
Another reason is that I’ve got a lot to say about a lot of things. I didn’t know it until just recently, but I do. I want to talk about anime and video games, music and TV shows. I want to be able to have discussions with people and share my experiences with others. This is the place where I will attempt to accomplish those things.
So I guess that’s that. I’ve returned. How have you been?
Probably the most surprising feeling to me is contentment. I’ve gone over the prospect of a world where I wake up without being unhappy or hating myself at least twice a day. The fact that such a world exists for other people is difficult to picture. Did I do something wrong when I was younger that lead me to this place? Is it really just all chemical reactions in my brain and if it is, how do I know the real me isn’t being buried by my medications? Trying to figure out whether or not you’re really a negative asshole is a troublesome activity. It usually makes you wallow in self-pity.
It’s been six months since I was diagnosed with dyskeratosis congenita. Part of me thought I was supposed to have one of those life changing experiences where I would suddenly have the urge and motivation to push myself towards a better future. A future where I worked toward the things I wanted, was nicer to everyone and didn’t take every day for granted. After a few weeks that part of me died. I realized that this disease doesn’t change my life anymore than anything else that’s happened to me. I’m not suddenly a new person. If anything, I’m discovering who I have always been, which is someone who is still just as mysterious to me now as I was when I was a teenager.
I’m lonely all the time. I stay inside my apartment all day and play video games until I get bored enough to start watching TV or vice versa. On the rare occasion I do go outside, I spend a lot of my effort convincing my roommate to come with me just so I don’t have to feel so alone. I want to feel like I’m doing something. I don’t write anymore. I don’t talk to most of my friends anymore either. I’ve also noticed that it’s becoming increasingly hard for me to be nice to people. My mind is often muddled up with insults and disgusting thoughts of hatred and anger. Where does it all stem from? Is it because I’m so unhappy that I must make everyone around me as unhappy as I am? Is it because I think I can get away with it?
Self-pity is not something I’m proud of by any means. Repeatedly, I say the same things to myself in hopes of change. They say that actions speak louder than words.
I just wish I knew what actions would help me find peace.
Getting back on track can be hard. No matter the situation, having to recalibrate yourself takes a lot of effort and in some cases a lot of tries. I haven’t written in a while and I’m just now starting to get back into the groove of things. Months have gone by where I hadn’t even typed a word for a short story, a game idea or a TV/film script, but even though I wasn’t writing, my mind always pushed out new ideas each day. Now it’s time to focus all my efforts on my work.
I’m excited to get back to writing blog posts because there are so many things I wanted to talk about and rant about, but never got around to and I think that for once I should finish what I started. I’m going to resume the list of my most influential CDs and then I’m going to try to do weekly posts on projects I’m working on so I can show you all the progress I have made on them.
While a blog post once a week might not seem like a lot, I think it will do me good to have a bit of a schedule and some consistency.
Now it’s time for me to retrace my steps and figure out where I left off with my most influential CDs.
See ya soon!