Today marked my first bone marrow aspiration and biopsy. It hurt. I wasn’t taken back by that fact, I had prepared mentally for that outcome. The pain didn’t make me feel alive. Not when the blood was being drained from my body. Not when the small piece of bone was removed from my hip. I wasn’t expecting to feel that way at the time, but looking back at the procedure I found myself surprised that I didn’t feel anything but the pain.
There’s something to be said for people who manage to survive by simply going through the motions. I am a painfully self-aware person, but all that does is make my mind race and second guess a lot of my ideas and options. Spending so much time inside my head has made me numb to a decent amount of outer stimuli that would most likely enable me to feel alive again. I’m not entirely sure what the solution is at this point. My instincts tell me to make changes to my life. Logic, my friends and my family say the same. What changes am I supposed to make? No one has been able to give me the answer to that question.
I suppose writing again is a step forward. An activity to vent and get all these bothersome and crazy thoughts out of my head so I can express myself a little bit more. I’m going to try to get back to some of the ideas I had for this blog, such as the list I was writing based on the CDs that were most influential to me.
The only thing I can do is try. Failure isn’t that bad, right? You just try again. That’s what I’ve been told.