Finding Peace

Probably the most surprising feeling to me is contentment. I’ve gone over the prospect of a world where I wake up without being unhappy or hating myself at least twice a day. The fact that such a world exists for other people is difficult to picture. Did I do something wrong when I was younger that lead me to this place? Is it really just all chemical reactions in my brain and if it is, how do I know the real me isn’t being buried by my medications? Trying to figure out whether or not you’re really a negative asshole is a troublesome activity. It usually makes you wallow in self-pity.

It’s been six months since I was diagnosed with dyskeratosis congenita. Part of me thought I was supposed to have one of those life changing experiences where I would suddenly have the urge and motivation to push myself towards a better future. A future where I worked toward the things I wanted, was nicer to everyone and didn’t take every day for granted. After a few weeks that part of me died. I realized that this disease doesn’t change my life anymore than anything else that’s happened to me. I’m not suddenly a new person. If anything, I’m discovering who I have always been, which is someone who is still just as mysterious to me now as I was when I was a teenager.

I’m lonely all the time. I stay inside my apartment all day and play video games until I get bored enough to start watching TV or vice versa. On the rare occasion I do go outside, I spend a lot of my effort convincing my roommate to come with me just so I don’t have to feel so alone. I want to feel like I’m doing something. I don’t write anymore. I don’t talk to most of my friends anymore either. I’ve also noticed that it’s becoming increasingly hard for me to be nice to people. My mind is often muddled up with insults and disgusting thoughts of hatred and anger. Where does it all stem from? Is it because I’m so unhappy that I must make everyone around me as unhappy as I am? Is it because I think I can get away with it?

Self-pity is not something I’m proud of by any means. Repeatedly, I say the same things to myself in hopes of change. They say that actions speak louder than words.

I just wish I knew what actions would help me find peace.

One thought on “Finding Peace

  1. I knew a friend that wore a mask when they interacted with people. I knew because I use to be the same. constantly pleasing people going through the motions saying things what people want to hear, wasn’t hard to do. But over time it became harder I started to become bitter and full of fear of who I was or if I was the same person behind the mask or if I was the mask itself. I was unhappy, numb and lonely that nobody knew who the really was.. not even me. Until I saw someone similar to me, lonely but pretended to be the happiest person in the world. It made me sick to my stomach to watch the fasiod. It wasn’t till I realised I was looking at myself. Out of sheer emotion I grab there hand like a crazy person and said “ stop this act I want the real you even if you don’t know who the really you is.” I think I was trying to talk to myself through the action but I don’t really know for sure. My words shook my friend to their core that the emotions had nowhere to go anymore but out.

    I been through many of dark times with my friends and what I still struggle with. It’s good that you catch yourself thinking insults and disgusting thoughts because we are all human and like it or not we all do that. Its up to us if we want to act on them or not. And even if we act on them it does not mean we’re bad people, we all make mistakes and feel terrible about it. What I found works for me is when I catch myself insulting someone in my head I think of a positive thing about them. When I make a mistake I think of what I should do next time in the situation instead of blaming myself for being an idiot. It was hard at first but it got easier over time.

    If you say the same things to yourself and it does not work then frankly its not helping. I can say I am going to do the laundry and hope I do the laundry but it never gets done. To tell you the truth it take more energy worrying about doing the laundry then actually doing it.

    My advice is not to keep going down the rabbit hole of finding yourself, I been down there and could not find it. Instead I lost my good friends along the way and everything was dark and more confusing. Because we are ever changing beings we can adapt and learn new things. Not one thing defines you or who you are. There are people who will grow with you and change with you on your journey or chose a different path. Everyone is going to see you differently in there own way. Own and accept who you are right now and improve yourself from there.

    A quote that helps me through life’s struggles.
    “Life is full of possibilities.”

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