I am terrified of death. Quite honestly, I think it’s bullshit. The whole concept seems really bizarre to me. I don’t like it one bit. As you may have learned, if you have read my latest article “Two Years in an Instant” on Ghost Parachute, that most people with my disease don’t live past thirty years old. I just “celebrated” my twenty-seventh birthday last month. It makes me feel like my time is short when I already feel that time is short in general. It’s a frustrating aspect of life. A lot of people have tried telling me that there’s nothing to be afraid of because there’s nothing you can do about it. Isn’t that the worst? The uncontrollable and the unknown are classically feared. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
What do I do moving forward? Do I bitch and complain about how short life is and hope somehow it will make me feel better? Do I scour the internet and the book stores and learn all I can about life, death and the afterlife and try to find some definitive answers? Maybe I simply just ignore it, realizing that since it can’t be changed that I shouldn’t change my life because of the inevitable outcome. I don’t know what the right answer is and I know there are a lot more options out there. I just need to reach a point where I can make it through a day where I’m happy and not in fear.
Is there anything you do to help you cope? Have you found religion? Do you follow science? Do you believe in the stories of near death experiences? I would love to hear your beliefs and opinions.
I’m very pleased to announce that I was able to contribute to Ghost Parachute with my new article “Two Years In An Instant.” It’s all about being diagnosed with a life threatening disease and learning how to cope using writing as an outlet.
I hope you’ll all check it out right here and subscribe/follow Ghost Parachute: http://ghostparachute.com/two-years-instant/
I’ve got a pretty exciting announcement which is that I’ve got a brand new site called Truly Abrasive! It’s not replacing this site, it’s a completely different entity. It’s all about games, anime, movies and television and my brutally honest opinions on them all. It only launched earlier this week so it’s got very few articles, but I’m planning on having a very steady flow of content. I’m currently working on some ideas for new feature series for the site as well.
I’ll be back in the next couple days to announce something else, but until then I hope everyone takes care of themselves!
I grew up reading Archie (Jughead being my favorite character), Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes. As I got older I moved onto stuff like Frumpy The Clown, The Far Side and webcomics like Questionable Content, Least I Could Do and Fanboys. Now that I’m an adult I find myself reading more traditional comics from companies like Marvel, DC, Image, Dark Horse (who publishes my favorite comic of all time, MIND MGMT by Matt Kindt) and Vertigo. Recently however, I have started diving into the world of manga. I’m trying to do my best to broaden my horizons when it comes to this format of art.
My reason for sharing a brief overview of my past and present life with comics is that it reminds me of how constant comics have been in my life. Creating a comic has always been a desire of mine and the desire hasn’t dwindled. It just always seemed absurd or out of reach. I want to be less afraid of failure and this is my first step toward that goal.
I’m going to write and release some form of comic online. I hope you’ll all check it out when it’s launched. Wish me luck!
I like this blog. It’s simple. Everything about it from the settings to the appearance is simple. I find it easier to write when I don’t have to worry about complicated things like constantly editing and adjusting my website. I’m quite happy to be back and writing on this blog again.
A year and a half has passed us by since I last posted on here and I’m conflicted between saying a lot has happened in that time and nothing has happened in that time because I feel there hasn’t been much significant change. Of course things happened, but feeling change and experiencing change are two different things, aren’t they? I’ve moved a couple times, had a lot of doctors appointments, adopted two more kittens, rehomed said kittens, gone through depressive and suicidal episodes, made new friends, lost new friends and traveled a little amount for work. Other than that, I don’t think a lot has truly changed. I’m still fairly stuck. The future seems unimaginable. I can’t fathom what it must be like to have a different way of life. Either way, I’m hoping to change that somehow and that’s one of the primary reasons I’ve started writing on here again. I need to do something. It really doesn’t matter what as long as it’s something tangible. Something where I can see myself making progress. So that’s one reason why I’m back at this.
Another reason is that I’ve got a lot to say about a lot of things. I didn’t know it until just recently, but I do. I want to talk about anime and video games, music and TV shows. I want to be able to have discussions with people and share my experiences with others. This is the place where I will attempt to accomplish those things.
So I guess that’s that. I’ve returned. How have you been?
December isn’t that far away, which has me a little bit worried and yet thankful at the same time. 2015 has been a year of disappointments and strange happenings. Usually I wait until the last second to fill out my “best of the year” lists such as “best CD” or “best video game”, but this year I happened to notice that I’ve got just the right amount of time to really sink my teeth into it all.
It seems like a common occurrence when looking at other people’s lists or even when I create my own lists that entries from the beginning of the year tend to get overshadowed by things that blow people away at the end of the year. It’s not necessarily because those last entries are actually better, it’s just the freshness that drags us to it. This year I’m fortunate to remember enough of the earlier entries and know what to look forward to toward the end of the year. I’d like to add that with this year being full of delays in both the gaming and music industry, a lot of big contenders won’t be released until next year which actually makes this year both easier and harder. This year hasn’t grabbed me. I haven’t found a CD that leaves me humming it’s catchy melodies or any games that I just can’t put down. I’ve noticed that I’ve found more disappointments in products in which I had high expectations. Companies or artists that usually put out consistently solid content decided to either play it safe or throw a curve ball and neither tactic seemed to work.
Either way, I’ve done my homework, set up playlists, and I’ll soon make a list of games I need to finish before the end of the year. I’m pretty excited to see what surprises I’ll find.
Today marked my first bone marrow aspiration and biopsy. It hurt. I wasn’t taken back by that fact, I had prepared mentally for that outcome. The pain didn’t make me feel alive. Not when the blood was being drained from my body. Not when the small piece of bone was removed from my hip. I wasn’t expecting to feel that way at the time, but looking back at the procedure I found myself surprised that I didn’t feel anything but the pain.
There’s something to be said for people who manage to survive by simply going through the motions. I am a painfully self-aware person, but all that does is make my mind race and second guess a lot of my ideas and options. Spending so much time inside my head has made me numb to a decent amount of outer stimuli that would most likely enable me to feel alive again. I’m not entirely sure what the solution is at this point. My instincts tell me to make changes to my life. Logic, my friends and my family say the same. What changes am I supposed to make? No one has been able to give me the answer to that question.
I suppose writing again is a step forward. An activity to vent and get all these bothersome and crazy thoughts out of my head so I can express myself a little bit more. I’m going to try to get back to some of the ideas I had for this blog, such as the list I was writing based on the CDs that were most influential to me.
The only thing I can do is try. Failure isn’t that bad, right? You just try again. That’s what I’ve been told.